Wrestling's biggest week of the year returned to the greater Metropolitan area of NYC for the first time in 6 years. I was living in the city last time it was here, much has changed since then but the event has only grown larger as the ENTIRE wrestling community, not just WWE related, descend upon the hosting city & with that city being NYC
Joey Ryan's Penis Party - April 5th - Hilton Midtown - New York City
Ok so my primary reason for being back in NYC after moving back to Texas almost 4 years ago is I'm filming a movie you'll be hearing about soon (hopefully haha) and was in NJ all week filming. Came to the city late Friday night (actually was staying at a shitty hotel at Newark airport) it was cold & rainy & I was tired from a week of filming and was gonna be in the city proper starting the next day for four more days for meetings etc.
But as wrestling fans know, when Wrestlemania is in town it's not just the WWE, it's the ENTIRE wrestling community and it's indie brands & fans jam packing any city that hosts it. I've never had a car in my entire time in NYC and have never driven in the city and I had a car this time (otherwise I would have just gone to bed haha) - I wanted to see what events where happening surrounding Wrestlemania and saw that NXT was having their big Takeover event
That event had naturally been sold out for awhile and I also was wanting to hit an indie event in the city proper instead of heading out to Brooklyn.
So a simple Google search & up comes something called Joey Ryan's Penis Party and after laughing and closing my laptop a few times, I thought "Ok let's check this out" So NYC - Here I come:
I am not an indie wrestling nerd, I just like fun and I grew up watching wrestling so instead of this being some serious play-by-play commentary full of useless opinions I"m just gonna give you my observations. And I'm only gonna talk about the matches I saw or cared about, so this isn't some comprehensive coverage piece.
Joey Ryan came out to start the show with Don Callis and Excalibur on commentary with what looked like The Undertaker's Druids if they were dildos joining him. Excalibur summed Joey up perfectly by saying that he's great when he wants to be. Joey asked that the fans point to his penis as if it's the WrestleMania logo and they do.
DemonBunny (Rosemary & Allie)
vs. Twisted Sisterz (Holidead & Thunder Rosa)
Allie elbowed Holidead who responded by grabbing the tights and landing some slow motion knees and elbows. Thunder Rosa came in with Rosemary and cradled her for two. Everyone pushed each other and the faces ate a pair of low blows and responded in kind. Holidead landed a series of low kicks and elbows to Allie. She was locked in the rocking horse and kicked her before doing a forced stretch, headbutting her ass.
Rosemary thankfully came in and got two off a slingblade. Callis expressed amazement at seeing a move that doesn't involve the crotch. Well, he's not wrong.
Rosemary clubbed away, but missed a charge as Rosa came in. Allie came in and hit a big WE ARE ALLIE lariat. A hanging choke by Rosemary lead to a spear for two. Allie came in and got choked before the heels did double sorta stinkfaces mid-ring and then got double schoolgirled with the trunks to end it.
Tracy Smothers vs. Su Yung
Then, Tracy Smothers came down with a walking stick and danced.
Tracy Smothers defeated Su Yung
Su got a "You killed Allie" chant while Smothers insulted the fans. He demanded they don't say "Tracy sucks" or he'll commence to beat them all up. He then cut a promo on how Bin Laden should have taken the bridges out to doom them all. Su left and he then cut a promo on her which led to a fan cutting a promo on him. Su emerged and brought out a giant inflatable penis,
Tracy cut a promo on the guys in the first two matches for doing all his moves, so now he's just gotta fight. Su blew mist on the penis and Tracy asked for silence while he took his garments off. He unveils the confederate flag singlet and then after 15 centuries, the match begins.
Excalibur said this had a 20 minute time limit while Callis was hoping for an hour broadway. He called this "interesting". Tracy got some holds and some gut punches before inciting the crowd more. Su superkicked and pump kicked him. Tracy grabbed a mic and tested it while Excalibur begged for death.
Tracy cuts another promo on the fans again and wanted a scientific match to bore them to death. He made this match almost worth it by saying "There's Andre!" and clubbing Su. He landed a series of chops, but then Su thankfully recovered and went for the glove, but the ref got smacked. Tracy hit her with a kendo stick and won.
Yoshihiko the blow up doll won the DDT Heavymetalweight Title Battle Royal
Danshoku Dino started things off with a variety of crotch-related attacks before Takagi came out and got dropkicked to the floor. A Japanese girl named Yu came out and landed forearms to Mao, who just took her out. Don advised that anyone watching not try anything in this match or show.
Makoto Oshi was next. Dino went for a kiss, but missed and kissed Mao and went from some heavy groin area petting. Yu got spit at and fired up and Oshi busted his hand with a punch to the head. Yu took him out with a kokeshi to the groin.
Antonio Honda was next with the most insane singlet ever. Honda sold blowing his knee out right away and that now, he's retiring...but first, he must tell us a fairy tale that will change the world. He demanded that everyone be still for story time, seen below. He and his finger puppet talked about going to Broadway and then he smacked around an imaginary penis and delivered the evil penis from heaven eyepoke. Honda ate a stunner and is gone. The boss hit a double AA on the young boys, because of course he does. Dino and Oshi teamed up for a wheelbarrow-assist stinkface in the corner.
Oshi got sent into Dino's ass accidentally before the owner did too and went down to a Michinoku driver. Oshi and Dino had a double-butt butt off in the corner. Poor Yu got sandwiched between all four buttocks and was thrown out. Oshi landed a finger shove before Dino used the power of his mighty ass to do damage, but Mao landed a superkick and beat him with a 450 splash.
Oshi rolled him up and seemingly won, but didn't. A blow up doll named Yoshihiko comes out to Undertaker's theme. A crossbody got two before a press slam into a piledriver got two for Oshi. Yoshihiko the blow up doll got an elevated half crab to win it.
Mike Babchik, Colt Cabana and Tommy Dreamer defeated The Best Friends (Chucky and Trent?) and Matt Striker
Jerry Lynn was referee. We've got a Dreamer match and it involves a radio show host, so this should indeed be a thing. Colt elbowed Chucky before Trent muscled him down. Dreamer armdragged Striker before Colt landed an elbow. Trent hit a Lynn-esque legdrop to Colt and went for Lynn's own cradle piledriver. Jerry, as the ref, bumped Trent for that one and allowed a hot tag for the faces.
Colt and Tommy landed stereo bionic elbows to the Best Friends. Striker chopped Babchik who responded with a low blow. Dreamer's DDT hit and Babchik pinned Striker for the win.
We got a closeup of Babchik and his soiled singlet which was just lovely. The Best Friends hugged Jerry and Don buried Striker. He said they should have had penis-related nicknames tonight with Excalibur being Sexcalibur.
Johnny Penis (aka Johnny Impact) and Taya Valkyrie defeated Lucha Bros
Taya kneed Penta to start and hit a swinging DDT. She went for a dive, but Fenix kicked her. Fenix hit a run-up rana that sent Johnny to the floor. Penta came in and slingbladed Taya followed by a corner backstabber. They set up the assisted cradle piledriver, but Taya prevented it. Johnny went for the countdown elbow, but Fenix prevented it. End of the World hits alongside a spear from Taya to beat the Lucha Bros.
Val Venis came out in shorts and a shirt. He looks 50 pounds lighter with no muscle mass. Priscilla Kelly brought out a trail of tampons to the ring akin to the phalanx of penises earlier.
Session Moth Martina, Scarlett Bordeaux and Priscilla Kelly defeated Sexy Eddie, Joey Ryan and Val Venis
Joey and PK started before she tagged out to Scarlett, who grabbed his chest hair and bieled him. Martina tagged in and she wanted the D, but Joey had to play defense. Martina hurt her knee on a Manhattan drop before Sexy Eddie thrusted away on a leg lock. Matina blocked a sunset flip with a Bastion Booger drop for 2. Eddie got stuck in the clam trap and we get a finger snap. Martina landed a bronco buster, but missed a second one. Eddie used the magnetism of his penis and all of the women and the ref get shoved off of his penis, thankfully before they could pull the front of his trunks down. S
carlett attacked with her ass before the others wanted it, so she sent her partnres in. Venis put the towel on and cut his pre-match promo mid-match, but instead swivels his hips to a "you still got it" chant. Val finally cut the promo which put Martina and Scarlett in convusions. Martina then dragged him to the back.
Priscilla got an airplane spin and teased a spew spot and punched him after spitting at him. Eddie got a drop toehold onto Joey while Val got sent into Eddie's ass and then Priscilla went in for a nibble too. Martina did as well and then Scarlett ran in. Joey lifted everyone up for for a ring-filled dick flip. Eddie got a mouthful of excitement and then Martina and Priscilla landed disgusting claws before chopping Joey and waxing his chest.
The ladies headed to the locker room and came out as tampons. Martina dove with a tope while Scarlett hit a crossbody and Priscilla hit a flip dive. Priscilla then put an end to Joey with a super Regal cutter.
(Later that evening) Dolph Ziggler & Friends - Caroline's Comedy Club - Times Square NYC
Something To Wrestle/Ross Report