#Rocklahoma

Rocklahoma 2010

Well it was THAT time again, as my buddies in Red Leather and I has such an amazing time last year that we talked about it in the year since and despite the severely lacking desirable lineup this year, we realized that we were going more for us and the time that we would share that no band come close to competing with. As much as we had last year, financially, this festival took a hit, so to try to remedy that, they laid off the steady diet of Hair Bands and tried to even things out. I for one much prefer the 80s excess, but the people that care about that stuff for the most part are white trash, that don’t have the money to support something like this.
What started out as a joke we suspected we had taken too far last year just by simply going became a much anticipated adventure that again was not the destination of seeing any bands rather than the bands would be a mere backdrop to our comedy act regardless of who was playing. Literally for a year when I would see these guys we would reference some inside joke that shaped last year’s laugh-a-thon and looked forward to what this year would bring.

May 28th 2010 – Day 1

So this much anticipated day had finally arrived and I made it to Dallas where drummer Paul picked me up and his authentic, spastic, energy already set the tone before we even met up with the other guys. Paul is one of those guys that you can’t help but like, he will exhaust you with his lust for life and have you pissing your pants with his spot on impressions (this year’s obsession was his uncanny ability to perform any of Jack Black‘s dialog from Nacho LIbre on command).
We meet up with ringleader Chaz and Mr. Johnny on the Spot himself, our unofficial Tour Manager Steve, who had secured a totally righteous RV for us in addition to the van we rode in last year. If you have read the entry from last year you know that much to my surprise and benefit that this guy has his shit together like no other and last year  made us the envy of every camper there by providing us with every convenience you could want in those conditions. He was out to step his game up this year and boy did her ever. It wasn’t enough that we had (shared) beds and air conditioning last year, this year my man got us a fucking apartment on wheels. Our own bathroom with shower and sink, our own bunks and fully functional kitchen and dining area. Our shit was stacked.
My face was already sore from laughing so hard for the entire 5 hour ride from Dallas to Tulsa, when we pulled into the campgrounds around 6pm. We all got to work immediately in our roles. Steve and Chaz do camp setup while Paul plays DJ and get high, and I as the Producer by getting us checked in, securing our laminates and taking care of all the business needs that ensure that we are taken care of all weekend.
We could hear Buckcherry doing their stripper anthem Crazy Bitch as we were  getting it together and we all smiled at each other with a knowing look of the significance that this song takes on in this environment.  I came back from production with our laminates as they were finished with setup and now we were ready for some free booze and to hear some music. We make our way to the backstage catering tent for the beer and proceed to mainstage. I’ll be honest, the band that was playing, Three Days Grace, I had never heard of, and then I heard their hit, that I’m sure I’ve heard at least once. To be honest with you, I could care less, as they didn’t interest me in the least but it didn’t stop us from still carrying on the laughter, and the excitement of just being there and being together was more than enough.

So after they finished, like last year we would spend the hour in between going to the Artist Catering Tent right of the stage to load up on more beer/food etc. I didn’t want to eat anything else because I was sure the next band was gonna make me barf. I’m not a snob (hello? look where I am at) but you know how some bands just irritate you to the point of exhaustion? , well I really hate the band Godsmack.
They are the perfect example of derivative and flaccid swill that is perfect for mass consumption, yet I’m still surprised at their level of popularity. Well I wasn’t here to complain so I stuck it out, but this band is just freaking painful.
After their set mercifully came to a close, so did the music for the first day of the festival. As typical that’s when the crazy fun on the campgrounds begins (or not haha). For all its emoting, Rocklahoma isn’t really all that big, and you will have no problem finding someone if you lose them. Their’s only two seated sections and one main aisle and less than 3k people any one given time. As we headed back to camp we ran into one half of our Bermuda Crew we met last year. Sadly, her other half (and mine) wasn’t able to attend this year. She joined us back to camp but not without bearing a gift that would soon become legend.
She presents us with this special bottle of Black Seal Rum only made in Bermuda, and the shit is not only expensive, but deadly. Like its almost 200 Proof!!
We thanked her for the gift and put it away for now, though it was a long day of driving, getting setup, then rawking, I still wanted to have a walk around the campsite to see what was going on and what mischief I could get into.
I found that Jagermeister was having a little late night thing in the vendors campgrounds so I checked that out solo for a bit, then headed back to camp Red Leather. When I returned the gang was wrapping up for the night so to propose a toast to our first night and making it there safely, we whipped out the Bermuda poison. Keep in mind it was wrapped in a way that we didn’t know yet its proof or its lethality.
I’m not a drinker at all so you can imagine my horror when I went we decided to shoot this stuff and I swear it was like I had swallowed gasoline. Chaz, that sneaky fucker, only held his to his mouth and was waiting to see what I would do and hadn’t drank his like I had.
Stop, drop, and roll.May 29th 2010 – Day 2
  So now today was gonna be our first day in the sun as we didn’t really get out there tilll dark last night. Their still really wasn’t any band that I gave a real shit about. I had always wanted to see ZZ Top so I was up for that, but it still wasn’t that important to me.
We get it going and really enjoying this tour bus accommodations. Having my own bed and us having our own bathroom freaking ruled.
After sleeping in, we finally make it to the catering tent for a late lunch, and I fell asleep after in the air conditioning.We had time to see walked around the grounds to see what else was going on. That’s something that we didn’t do last year, we usually were escorted via gold cart backstage and never left so I was determined to see this thing and get a feel of the people and take a few photos of the crowd this year. One of them decided to take a pic of us.:

I have no idea what we are looking at but since its a rock show I’ll just pretend its the line from Girls Girls Girls :“Hey Paul, check that out man!  Paul: – “Where Roy where?!” – “Right there!”

We finally decide we should try to see some bands as its after 6pm and we hadn’t done anything but sleep, eat and drink. We get over to the main stage to see this horrific thing called Saliva. I remembered them for their super annoying song about the click and the boom on the radio or something, but it was pathetic to see a band like this that never should have mattered trying to hold on. You could smell embarrassment on their faces from their phoned-in performance.
Thank gawd that was over quickly, it was so hot anyway that most anything would have been tough but they were unbearable.
Next up was Cinderella, a band that holds a special place for me as my first concert when I was 12 was seeing them open for the mighty David Lee Roth and I can’t recall, but I don’t think I’ve seen them since then.
I know they have had their problems over the years. I didn’t even recognize bassist Eric Brittingham as he looked more like Green Day than the dude on the poster from my childhood bedroom.

. Cinderella was always one of the better glam/rock bands of its era, mixing a touch of Stones-like rock and blues into its riff-driven hard rock sound. Guitarist Jeff Labar still looks like he hasn’t slept since the show I saw as a kid. The only noticeable thing that was off was during the song Push, Push was that the backup vocals were louder than Keifer’s lead but I’m sure it was just an oversight from the soundboard.
We had a quite a bit of time to kill before ZZ Top so we did the usual of going to the catering tent, where we met back up with our Bermudian friend. Now, she is a gracious, lovely girl, but like last year, she had decided to fixate on a member of our crew in a bizarre and unhealthy way. I say this because it was disturbing to see an older woman, literally cry in public over a complete stranger, half her age. I wanted to comfort her, but the only conclusion I could come up with, is that she is having a hard time aging and securing the affection of a much younger man, in her mind, had become her self-worth. So when the affection was not returned, she just had a freaking meltdown. Totally weird.
So up next was ZZ Top, a band that I’ve always wanted to see, but also one of those bands that for whatever reason you just don’t prioritize. So I was happy that they were here because otherwise, I probably would never make the effort to see them solo.
But not anymore, as now after seeing them I will do my best to do so again, because they were really awesome and fun.

Steve and I were debating if during a few songs if Billy Gibbons was using a tracked vocal. Can’t say for sure but I the show sounded album perfect at times, but others it was clear that real singing was going on. Whatever the case, Legs, and Sharp Dressed Man got the crowd going after extended blues interludes had slowed things down. They ended with an odd choice of a Viva Las Vegas/La Grange medley.
So that concluded the music for Day 2,
After talking with them for a bit and laughing alot we decided to head back to camp, and at this point I was really starting to feel the effects of the punch.
We make it back and we are not there 10 mins before Tina is calling me (I gave her my card about some upcoming business in town)
saying that the party had got broken up, so I invited them over to our campsite and the funniest thing was that we were on the far opposite side, and at point I had to use the stripper pole as a reference point when giving directions. Now where else would that happen?
They arrive: Stephanie is very butch and loud, but funny, Tina was the cheerleader in school that you never hooked up with, and Mary was just a freak of nature and the one I spoke with the most once they got there.
Chaz is loading everyone up on the punch and its not long before our site is the place to be so we attracted a few stragglers along the way. Mary was cracking me up as she was so over the top with her jokes that I mention it because she had some lines that were repeated for the rest of the weekend.May 30th 2010 – Day 3

  So we wake up the next day and I don’t normally drink alot and I still didn’t but that Black Seal was like Black Death. We all had our determinations of the day: Paul has been talking about seeing Sevendust since we left Dallas, as its apparently his favorite band. Now, nothing against those guys, but the last I knew of them was I got to be real friendly with their singer Lajon and guitarist John like a thousand years ago while working a record label, but I certainly didn’t know they had the ability to obtain fve band status of anyone.

Sevendust didn’t really fit to be honest, and were way too heavy and got a really bad time slot. If they had played one of the smaller stages later tonight it would have been a blowout, but to ask people to listen to music that heavy, that early, when it was that hot, is asking alot. Didn’t stop Paul though, in fact he was so vocal of his adoration that band members heard him from the stage and he was making them smile and laugh in acknowledgment.

TWEETS

 “Tesla is from the meth capital of the world. It only shows a little.”

“a night of unspeakable debauchery. When giving directions to my campsite i had 2 tell 3 girls to take a left at the wet-tshirt contest.”

“1st band I ever saw was Cinderella when I was 12. Last night I saw them 4 the 1st time since. ALOT has changed.”

“Woke to the sound of busmates quoting Nacho Libre and girls in booty shorts playing Frisbee outside my window.

“meth must be a hell of a drug. Meet me by the port-a-shitter.”

“just landed in Tulsa, OK here comes 4 days of hillbilly foolishness freaking 80s style.”

  Now we had eaten and got full of weak beer again and had a slight interest in seeing Lacuna Coil. I knew nothing of them other than my friend Ryan crushes on their female singer all the time and I also wanted to see something at one of the other stages.
Alot of people were there to see them and they came out guns-a-blazing, Christina Scabbia looked great, sounded great, the whole bit. But here was something that I didn’t know, was that they have a male co-vocalist, that is completely unnecessary and only serves to take away from what she is laying down. It makes no sense, as usual the singer is the focus, and when your singer looks like that, what’s the problem? why share that with someone, who can’t sing at all and when he does his thing it just shits all over what she’s doing. It made me feel like this guy is in the band because they don’t have the heart to tell him he sucks. Completely made no sense to me.
Right before they started we ran into the Oklahoma Trio again from the night before and Mary and I picked up right where we left off with the jokes, she was now sober, and still really fun and funny. We weren’t gonna stay for the whole set as we were gonna go see the last band of the weekend, Tesla. A band that I wouldn’t mind seeing but again never have, and wouldn’t make any grand effort to do so.
Barely had taken advantage of our credentials, we decided to do it right and all of us went to the very front. Like if we had been any closer, we would have been Tesla.

They came out like this was just the Tulsa stop on their current tour and didn’t really play up the whole festival atmosphere. But I can’t fuck with them as they sounded really good, and for the singer’s complete and utter lack of self-awareness, he was hitting all the notes.
Maybe not since the diabolical Ron Keel of last year have I seen someone so embarrassing in their emoting. This guy was so high on meth/cocaine or whatever that he had that constant twitch and we were so close we could see him grinding his teeth. Their were alot of technical shit that was falling apart that I’m not sure that the fans caught if you weren’t so close, but again they still kicked ass and I probably enjoyed their set the most. We were so dehydrated and exhausted by this time that though I tried to sing outloud, nothing would barely come out haha. It was a great way to end the music as we hung tight all weekend but almost never were all four of us in the same place so I’m glad that happened at the end.

The gang headed back to camp and I was in desperate need to hit the showers. When I returned to camp Steve was nowhere to be found (later to be discovered sleeping in the van) and Chaz and Paul were entertaining our next door neighbors from Kansas, who had been coming over to steal our beer all weekend. Feeling good from the shower, I decided we should go out with a blast. Chaz had been bugging me about hearing one of my mixtapes from my DJ gigs, so I put one on. Chaz plays bartender and suddenly theirs half naked fat chicks from Kansas dancing on our bus. Does the comedy ever stop? Until next year….

Photographers:

Roy Turner
Bill Narum
Mike Long

Rocklahoma 2009

Our travails in search of a bygone era in the woods of Oklahoma.

Rocklahoma 2009 w/ Anthrax, Night Ranger, Warrant & more – July 9-10th -Fairgrounds – Pryor, OK

Dubbed Rocklahoma (think the Coachella of 80’s Hair Metal) its a gathering of the notion that these bands whom may inspire a small twinge of nostalgia individually, that collectively could get you to travel to the middle of nowhere outside Tulsa in stifling heat to party like its 1984.The idea of attending sounded fun, but what would happen once we got there? It sounded like taking a joke just a bit too far by actually going so that’s why I hadn’t attended in years past (other than the obvious) but I do like to rawk, and I do have a special place in my closet for that genre. The tipping point, was to call my friend Chaz. He fronts the Dallas area 80’s Hair Metal cover band Red Leather. Now for the uninitiated, you may be saying to yourself, “Well their’s one of those in every town” and I would normally agree with you, but let me assure you, that’s not the case here, these guys are so the shit and so much fun. So I call Chaz and of course their going, so its really all about who your company is right? So, I said fuck it and hopped into a van with my cover band rocker friends for three days in the sun. How bad could it be? Let’s go:

Day 1

Now, I’ve been to most of the American multi-day festivals including the ones that offer (or sometimes require) camping and this one you really got to camp, and I’ve never done so at one of these and would be hard pressed to conjure a memory of ever camping. You would think, that anyone patronizing the devil’s bargain such as this, would be unprepared slobs, “Only fluids the doctor said” and that we would be sleeping on Kiss posters, and living off of bongwater. Much to my surprise these guys, had their shit doooownn. I’m not kidding, we were the envy of every camper within an earshot, as these others were roughing it. We had a camper WITH AIR CONDITIONING, a generator, a sink, electricity, and all the food and beer we could consume. We had another outdoor tent (dubbed the patio) and we opened the back doors of the van to reveal a HUGE big screen. We had our own fucking outdoor movie theater!

We had to take a golf cart ride to the other side to get our credentials. I had the promoter extend his invitation to include Camp Red Leather, which now meant we all had total access to the field, the seats and the air conditioned dining hall as well as drink and meal tickets, Woohoo!

So off we go to the main stage where as you can see the competition to crown this year’s Miss Rocklahoma is fast and fierce.

And I notice something peculiar, I know its the first day and all but I had heard that this was a HUGE event and there was only a handful of people there. You can tell all 25 of them were really into it however:

 

Desperately needing to cool off I headed to the press tent to catch the Anthrax Press Conference. Not certain but I think that this was one of if not the first American show with their new singer Dan Nelson. Oddly just a month prior I hadn’t seen Anthrax in over 10 years and caught them twice in as many days while I was in London, so I was already well versed in how much the new guy blows. I don’t have anything original to say that you probably haven’t already read because the only thing that satisfies is that he is pound for pound a Phil Anselmo clone to the point of embarrassment.

Anthrax

Independent of that, still, on this day they were not the fun guys in Vision Street Wear shorts. They were clearly embarrassed to be there, and held the press and everyone around them in contempt. As much as I adored this band through the years I have always felt a since of arrogant prick-ness from Scott Ian and Charlie Benante and today there was no validation. This was putting their status as one of the “big four” in danger. Would the other three be caught dead at this thing? (hey Megadeth did open up for Motley Crue a few years back WITH Anthrax)
Well now I wanted to hear some music. I rejoined the guys and the first band we actually saw was Saxon who kicked ass:

Saxon

 

And then before we knew it, it was time for Anthrax’s headline set. They really could have made this a 3 day event as their were only like 4 bands per stage with an hour between sets, but the longer you stay the more you spend is the logic. I had just received a double-dose of Anthrax with their new singer last month while in London, now it was the States turn.

Anthrax

The shows in London really weren’t that bad, however the mood I described earlier from the press tent had clearly been carried to the stage. Out of the 40K that was expected with an average of 10K each day their was less than a thousand people paying any real attention. I’m not sure that was the main problem but I’m sure it was a contribution.
New singer Dan Nelson irritated the crowd with his constant demand for applause and angering band mascot Scott Ian when he fouled up a segue for a sing-a-long to wish bassist Frank Bello a Happy Birthday. They did play a few new songs, Fight ‘Em till you can’t and Earth on Hell that were pretty brutal.

Setlist:

(UPDATE: Just a few days after this performance the band announced they were parting ways with Dan Nelson. Another singer and another weird chapter in this band’s history.)

After they finished that was the end of music for Day One, but right after they were having an outdoor showing of Anvil:The Story of Anvil  on the big screens.. Seems to be a weird theme lately as Anvil and Anthrax keeping crossing my path (and each other’s) across two continents. Scott Ian is in the documentary, they played together at the Metal Hammer awards after the boat ride and the next night when I saw Anthrax at ULU, Robb and Lipps were standing behind me, and now they are playing together today as well. All these chances to see Anvil and still the only time I’ve actually seem them perform was in promotion for the documentary they were doing something unique (sad/cool…you decide) by actually performing in the theaters after the screenings.

 You would not have to be a fan of Anvil or even this type of music (although repeated screenings of Spinal Tap will surely enhance your experience) to enjoy this film.

So after the movie we headed back to Camp Red Leather. Excited to be there as this was our first night, Chaz and I decided to go introduce ourselves to our new neighbors, far and wide. We came across this “band” that had attracted a small crowd of about 20 in front of their tent that included one of the “contestants” from the above mentioned Pageant. It was surreal to be in the middle of this campground in nowhere Oklahoma, standing next to this “runner-up” that by local standards had amassed some type of celebrity, watching the equivalent of your little brother’s “band” struggling just to get through “Back in Black” in near pitch black darkness. I had to wonder why they would haul all that equipment that they could barley play. Always the cheerleader, Chaz was making my sides split with his constant encouragement of gems such as “Alice in Chains, let’s go!” and “Pantera, cmon!”. A good first day.

Day 2

Odd to wake up in the middle of this campground in nowhere Oklahoma. While our neighbors would complain of sunburn and the irritation of being awoken by heat, I was so cold from our air conditioner that the survivor in me sleepwalked and turned it off in the middle of the night. Much to the chagrin of my fellow campers, as they didn’t share my frigidity, and I felt bad that they had sought hard and long for the gas to power it, just for me to turn it off. As a testament to their coolness and our all around good vibe, it was laughed off just like anything else.
Time now for our ritual of getting wrist banded and getting our meal tickets etc. (umm take a hint from the other promoters and have wristbands that you can scan next year please) .
We opted out of Danger Danger to take advantage of having access to free food and drinks and get out of the heat for a bit. Imagine the lunch room in High School with all the stoners and goth and metal chicks 10-15 years later. When I returned Camp Red Leather were chatting up these two women from Bermuda. One even had the native British accent. They were so fun that we invited them to come check out the next band with us.

Warrant.

Of course we all know “Cherry Pie”  & they had a new singer who was fun and could sing his ass off, and were quite good.

Night Ranger.

You either have two (or both) distinctive associations with their hit “Sister Christian”, that’s forever associated with an odd fad of 80’s rock: Singing Drummers.. One is being a little kid watching the video in constant rotation on MTV and now marvel at how that level of sap once seemed “deep” to you, or the brilliant cataclysm the song scores from a climactic scene from Boogie Nights.

They blew us away and in hindsight were the best band I saw all weekend. Most of the bands, bless em’, were idealistic in their approach and their performances seemed about 25% over their actual abilities, and it had that stink. Night Ranger were the real deal man and yes, the drummer did dramatically come out and do the ballad. Brad Gillis looked like he’s been at the gym since the band’s heyday. Dude was ripped.

Now the anticipation was starting to mount for this evening’s headliners:

Ratt

Tonight Ratt is set to perform arguably their most popular album “Out of the Cellar”, which features their undisputed biggest hit “Round and Round”.
Now I have taken the trip down memory lane with this band a few times at several short lived reunion attempts and it suddenly occurred to me how long it had been since I heard anything off of that record that wasn’t a single, and I was loving it. I can remember in the 3rd grade getting this on cassette and playing it frontwards and backwards for months until I wore it out. Hearing songs like “In Your Direction”, “She Wants Money”, and “Your in Trouble”  was a gas, and became a bit of a guessing game to see if I could remember what came next on the album.

Setlist:

Now for the bad, lead singer Steven Pearcy will never be able to escape the very pompous and unlikeable image that he has, because its so freaking accurate. Some people (like me) think David Lee Roth is a god, others think he’s a buffoon. This guy straight across the board is such a turn off that even the diehards would have to admit that they wouldn’t loan this guy money. We were in the front row rawking regardless:

Enter Part II of our travails in search of a bygone era in the woods of Oklahoma.Rocklahoma 2009 w/ Jackyl, Kix, Faster Pussycat & more – July 11th – Fairgrounds – Pryor, OK

How this was allowed to take place in the middle of July with heat advisories in the upper tier is reflective of not only legislation in Oklahoma but it’s general common sense. And here we were here too, but cocooned in AC isolation.
No matter how spoiled we were we started to get cabin fever and decided to head out into the lonesome crowded west to see what was going on and see some bands. We decided on the mainstage to check out Keel. Now (again) the only thing I remember about this band was right before I discovered Master of Puppets they had a song called The Right To Rock that I would jam out to, only because it wouldn’t have occurred to me at that age how silly it was, and I was in that exploration phase where anything I hadn’t heard of, or even better if my friends hadn’t heard of it, then it had to be cool. Oh how I would do anything to be so innocent again, to believe that were was some actual opposing force trying to prevent me from rocking and how indebted I felt to these guys for informing me that it was my actual right. Who knew?
The band is fronted by Ron Keel who’s band carries his namesake. What we discovered was, in a sea of clearly out of touch and delusional people, the MOST diabolical turn-off I have ever witnessed since Sammy Hagar. Imagine if that 50ish rocker guy with the gross tan and exposed chest hair and gold chains, hitting on your mom at the State Fair, donned one of those awful headset mics (NO ONE HAS EVER MADE THE HEADSET MIC LOOK BADASS) and roamed the stage with an uncanny likeness to a Billy Ray Cyrus/Tony Robbins hybrid. Just powerfully lame, and totally clueless. The end mercifully came predictably with the hit of Right To Rock for which his daughter came out and sang with him.

Keel

Now it was time to head back to main stage, where we reunited with the Bermuda Triangle who were so much fun and such a blast to hang with, as well all grabbed a spot to see Kix. Their singer easily eclipsed me as the skinniest dude there, but as it looks good on a young dude like me, it looks meth-y on an old dude in leather chaps. The singer had us in stitches as his priceless between-song banter had the squeal of Paul Stanley met with the innuendo of AC/DC, and he ended every passage with “…meet me in the parking lot in 10 minutes…” now I don’t know if this dude wanted to fuck or fight or was just simply acknowledging his band’s lack of fame being responsible for them being able to secure proper lodging. But like the tenacious clothing company above, this guy knew his audience and want they wanted, so out come two rocker chicks:

Kix

Now as the sun was setting, so was my stomach as the Bermuda Triangle was getting me juiced up which was practically a prerequisite for the next band Jackyl. Although they were no strangers to this festival or playing to the lowest common denominator, sadly their a last minute (an albeit logical) choice to replace Thin Lizzy, who although Phil Lynott is no longer with us, I still really wanted to see.
I barely have the words to describe the maelstrom of white trash ornery that swathed a debauches trail through the crowd, me and for the most part, the entire weekend. I truly believe he even shocked himself and those around him that probably have to deal with him nightly on tour. It was at times, funny, embarrassing, cringe inducing, exhausting, but I have to hand it them, it was never boring. And also it was barely musical. I don’t remember if they actually played any songs, and that’s the whole deal, is that people will not historically remember the music of Jackyl, but the antics their singer Jessie James Dupress exhibited will not be soon forgotten.

Jackyl

As well as a new catch-phrase that I can’t wait to use. During one of Mr. Dupree’s many drunken tirades, a common theme was he wanted someone, anyone to venture into the nearby campgrounds to “fetch me a joint”  and in his description of the barren wasteland where I’d laid my head for the last two nights, he said “you know…out there by the Port-A-Shitters”.  I literally screamed. When he wasn’t making bizarre requests, he was slowly coming undressed from his red Lil Abner onesy in between taking the beer from the concession merchants that had drifted to close to the stage as the tub on their heads was at the perfect height for Mr. Dupree to strike.
Shuffling loose, a badge from the otherwise really uptight Sheriff that was on-site, he next set his target on the Officer’s gun, but that’s about as far as this humorless member of Pryor, OK’s finest was going to pardon. I think it says it all when at one point, Dupree was riding on a skateboard (?) while chugging a bottle of Crown Royal, while wielding a chainsaw in the other hand. His onslaught lasted over 2 hours (to which I learned later was him throwing a public tantrum for not getting to go on last and was basically trying to shit on Stryper.

Now who’s ready to go to Church??!! I think we all felt in need of saving after that.
I kinda always wanted to see Stryper but it was odd to experience it for the first time right after a white trash ho-down

Stryper

So when the bibles starting being thrown out it got a little hairy, as this dude in front of me was just looking for someone to connect with and was kinda freaking me out. After securing some corn dogs safely away from the surreal mixture of bible catchers and party pukers, we headed to the one of the tents as Stryper was the last band on the main stage for the day, and I wanted to check out Faster Pussycat.
Apparently so did everyone else, or they were just as bugged out by the freak show at the main stage, cause the entire festival was in this tent! They were pretty awesome, and the vibe was just right. Bathroom Wall caused the tent to almost implode. Totally rawking!

Faster Pussycat

So with the music done for the day we headed back to camp & passed a little General Store. Suddenly this DRUNKEN girl in her early 20’s starts walking toward us and the only thing she is barely wearing was the bottom to her bathing suit. She kinda looked like a heavier version of Ferris Bueller’s sister (aka Baby from Dirty Dancing…R.I.P. Patrick Swayze). At first glance she appeared alone and wayward, but I quickly gathered she had just lagged behind from her group that was about 40 yards ahead, clearly wanting to lose their extra load. When she reached them, she celebrated this by removing the rest of her bathing suit to reveal an ass so white and unshapely, we could have had an encore screening of the Anvil movie on it.

Later I ventured over the VIP Campground (hey I thought we were VIPS?) and they had an official setup where some contest winning band was still keeping it going and had a decent crowd. Can’t remember their name cause their just finishing up when I arrived. A girl from San Francisco walks past me & said she thought I was her boyfriend and she claimed similarities. She was dressed like a softer dominatrix (whatever that means) and was talking uncomfortably close to my mouth, when her boyfriend, who was sober and apparently knew to keep his eye on her comes over (P.S. we look NOTHING alike) and he’s trying to be friendly but he smells the score. I try to get out of there but she’s doing that thing where when you shake someone’s hand and they don’t let go thing. I finally broke free and headed back to camp, to lie down and take in all I had seen and heard this weekend and get ready for the drive back to Texas in the morning.

Epilogue:

So we get up the next day and bug out like a M.A.S.H. unit as efficiently as we came in. Never say these boys were not Boy Scouts. I was thoroughly impressed. As we were making our way out of town I was reminded of scene from Big Daddy where Adam Sandler realizes that he’s awake before McDonald’s has stopped serving breakfast, and must take advantage. So we make the requisite stop, and just like in the movie, with only a few mins to spare. So close in fact that all four of us are not guaranteed to place the proper order before the breakfast to lunch changeover. Chaz is first but opts for lunch as they were out of want he wanted for breakfast (get in back of the line Chaz, time is of the essence here) I’m second and like the naturalized New Yorker I’ve become, I championed my way to my breakfast of choice. Our other two traveling companions were not so lucky (i.e. chumps).  As Chaz and I are waiting for our orders to be filled we are seated pretty close to our increasingly exasperated order-taker Ashley (we were now on a first name basis and seems to be the case when traveling with Chaz). When suddenly Ashley’s manager delivered this gem: Apparently its the golden arches’ policy to have their workers randomly sanitize their hands while working. What sets this epidemic of handwashing aloft is that the manager will unexpectedly shout “Stop…sanitize”. Now this would normally not be of interest, yet however, in total synchrony Chaz and I, without discussing it, couldn’t help but notice how closely her delivery sounded alot like MC Hammer’s You Can’t Touch This. So without missing a beat, we both look at each other and declare to the entire restaurant to “STOP!…SANITIZE!” for which they recognize as said 80’s classic and respond with uproarious laughter! Chaz + Roy = Street Theater. In spite of it all I would have to say that I would totally make this trip again and plan to do so next year. Good times.

__________________________________________________________________________________________Photo Credits – 

Roy Turner